If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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