bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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