party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
