You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
