So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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