She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
