I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you win again, gameday.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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