I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
