I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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