So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
