i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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