I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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