Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
