Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Yo dont text me then not text me
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
