Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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