happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
