she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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