I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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