put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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