dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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