So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
