He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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