i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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