we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
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