I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I lost the right to judge tonight
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
