I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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