I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
