just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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