i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
