I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
