Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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