I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
