I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
