Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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