She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
