I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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