my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
