if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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