why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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