First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
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