I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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