Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
