There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I have surprise drugs for everyone
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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