your thong is hanging out like whoa
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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