Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
