Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
