saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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