Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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