Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
