Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
