dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
