yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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